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So You Wanna Be An Atheist

So You Wanna Be An Atheist…

We all know atheism is hip and sexy. Atheists get laid more than anyone, they don’t pay any taxes, they get wined and dined, and they skate into positions of wealth and power in our society. All you have to do is say you’re an atheist and suddenly the world opens up for you. Your friends and family think you’re awesome and want to be just like you, you get in free to all the best clubs, you get the best tables and the fastest service in the restaurants, you get complimentary penthouse suites and limousines, and your adoring fans follow your every move on the Internet and show up asking for autographs while you’re out with your date (which, you have to admit, makes you look pretty cool).

So, how do you penetrate this insular, elite segment of society? What does it take to rise to the top and become one of the jet-setting atheist crowd?

At last, here is how you, too, can be an atheist, one of the privileged few:

1) Stop believing in a god. Whether your concept of a deity is one who created the universe and then went to sleep or disappeared, whether it is one who takes an active interest in your sex life and answers your prayers, whether it is one who lives on another planet and occasionally intercedes in human affairs on behalf of its pet humans, or whether it is more than one god or goddess, the first and most critically important thing to do is not believe in it or them. Actually, that’s it. Nothing more is required of you. You don’t have to defend your lack of belief if you don’t want to, you don’t have to arrive at your non-belief through a process of reasoned argument or self-seeking, and you certainly don’t have to pray. There are no elaborate rituals to undergo or affidavits to sign. You can go on believing in Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, yetis, trolls, liberal globalist conspiracies or orbital mind control lasers if you want to, and nobody will accuse you of not being an atheist. Well, some might, but you are not obligated to take their criticisms seriously. Really, it’s as simple as that: Shed your belief in a deity, and you are an atheist. If you are reading this because you want to be an atheist, congratulations, you probably are already.

2) If you want to be more radical about your non-belief, the next step is to become more educated. Now might be a good time to stop believing in Bigfoot, too. Familiarize yourself with the works of atheist writers such as the Four Horsemen: Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett and Sam Harris. Train yourself to debate and to be able to identify logical fallacies in an argument and to resist pseudo-scientific claims. Watch YouTube videos by atheists and listen to atheist podcasts. You might also want to become familiar with some of the YouTube material put out by religious kooks like Ray Comfort and Alister McGrath, though these can be painful to watch. If you are an American, it would be a good idea to have a working knowledge of the King James Bible as well.

3) If you want to be a more militant, capital-A Atheist, get active. Join a secular organization like American Atheists or the Secular Student Alliance and pay dues. Go to conventions and conferences and network. Join or start a group on Facebook and a meetup group in your area, and get together regularly and socialize, bitch about Christians, plan events, and drink beer. Speak loudly with your atheist friends when you’re in a bar in order to invite Christians to come over and start arguments with you – this can be quite entertaining but could get you in trouble if you are not careful. In addition to proficiency in verbal ju-jitsu, it might be a good idea to have some actual Kung Fu skills.

4) Kick it up a notch. Get more active. Get a position in the administration of one of those organizations you have joined. Get on the planning committees of those conferences and conventions you’re going to all the time. Cultivate personal relationships with politicians and convince them they need to pay attention to the wishes of atheists in their districts, and that churches ought to pay taxes. Get involved with school districts and convince them they need to not teach creationist horseshit in their science curricula. Contribute to Planned Parenthood and volunteer your time (and Kung Fu skills) as a security guard at a clinic that performs abortions.

5) Now it’s time to make your mark on the world. Make a name for yourself. Get yourself elected president of your favorite atheist organization, or start your own, and build it into an internationally known force for reason and justice in the world. Write a book, or several. Do speaking tours and book signings all over the place. Appear on talk shows and participate in debates on college campuses.

6) If you don’t succeed at 5), you might think about becoming bitter, angry, depressed and hostile. Cultivate that malicious streak that guided you toward atheism in the first place. Actually eat a baby. Have gay sex even if you’re not gay, just to piss off your parents. Perform blood sacrifices to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Burn down a church, preferably a megachurch where you can cause millions of dollars in property damage. When you see people collecting money for Catholic homeless shelters on the street corners, pull over and kick the crap out of them and take their money. Picket the funerals of Christians. Wear T-shirts that say things like “Jesus is coming! Somebody get a towel!” Perform abortions for free in your garage. Move to New York and cultivate a heroin habit. Convince yourself that the Second Law of Thermodynamics shows that the universe is decaying, life is pointless, and we are all doomed. Kill yourself in a way that will air on prime time TV.

7) If 6) is not for you, good. Forget about all the other steps and go back to 1). Honestly, that’s all there is to it.

Well, there you have it. Now you are equipped with all the necessary knowledge to be an atheist. Now you will have the red-carpet treatment wherever you go, and members of the sex of your choice will flock to you. Your limousine is waiting…

Copied with permission from my friend Sean Gale at Kill Your TV.
 
  1. December 10, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Well, ya had me at the learning Kung Fu.

    • December 14, 2013 at 1:47 am

      Took you that long to jump on board? ;-)

      • December 14, 2013 at 4:26 pm

        Huh? Onboard whut? Did you hear something? Are we sinking?

        • December 15, 2013 at 8:18 am

          If we are, ladies before gentleman. ;-)

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