Introspective

I’ve been taking a hard look at my life lately, and I’ve come to the realization that I know enough to know that I know so little. A concept that makes me feel much older than I really am. I’m not having a pity party, or being down on myself; I’m just taking stock of my life so far. Unfortunately, there’s not alot to take stock of!

I have many talents and dreams, but I’m not sure where this life is taking me, or what I should be doing with myself. I can do a little bit of everything, but I’m not very good at any one thing.

~ I can write code for basic web pages, but I can’t do complex programming.

~ I can navigate around any program and even teach people how to perform basic tasks, but sometimes the most simple thing is hard for me to wrap my head around.

~ I can do basic car maintenance like changing the oil, filters and tires and fix minor problems, but if our car breaks down, I have no idea how to get it running again.

~ I can build things with my own hands, but nothing that’s of any value to anyone but myself.

~ I can cook some basic meals without burning the house down or causing anyone to suffer food poisoning, but most of the time I have to ask someone else for help when it comes to anything that doesn’t come prepackaged or out of a box.

~ I’m a voracious reader, and can string together enough sentences with the proper spelling and grammar to convey my thoughts, but I don’t have the ability or discipline to write the novel I’ve always wanted to write.

~ I’m a good parent, and always try to do right by the children I love so dearly, but I’m always second guessing myself, or wishing I’d done something differently, because I don’t feel they’ve had everything I wanted for them.

~ I know what to eat and how to exercise to lose weight, and yet I keep gaining weight.

~ I have great accounting skills and am proficient at math, but I don’t have a clue about how to invest money or live better than paycheck to paycheck.

~ I can take a decent picture, and can edit pictures to look even better, but I don’t have the knowledge or equipment to take a spectacular picture.

~ I’m a good listener, and can give some great advice to people, but the thought of listening to people whine about their lives for a living gives me a headache.

~ I can teach people how to do some things, but have no desire to work in a teaching capacity, especially when it comes to other people’s children.

~ I can tell a few jokes, and keep a few people at a time entertained, but public speaking makes me a nervous wreck.

~ I can carry a tune and will sing in front of my immediate family, but karaoke with friends requires at least one strong alcoholic drink.

~ I love doing all of these things, but I don’t have the passion to focus on any one of them in particular.

I’m wondering: where in this world do I belong? Am I destined to just float along, doing many things inadequately or in an amateurish fashion? Is there a place for someone like me? How can I turn my many likes into a passion for just one thing?

I have to admit, I’m envious of people who excel at one thing, and can make a living from it. I was one of those people who graduated from high school not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I wanted to work with computers, but that’s about it. I was raised to know that I could do anything I wanted, but never quite given the skills to do any one thing … I was taught a little bit of everything. I know that, somewhere deep down inside me, there’s someone else fighting to get out, but I question if that person even knows what they want!

I know that after my health problems are taken care of, I’ll want to be out there in the world, working for a living, contributing to the life my Husband and I have made for ourselves. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing! I don’t want to go back and work as a cashier for the rest of my life. I know I don’t want to be at the end of my life, looking back and wondering what exactly it is that I did with my life. I know I have it in me to do something bigger and better.

… but I don’t know what.

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  1. December 1, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Dear Shelli, so what you are saying is that you are a normal person. Many people have one think they do well and they don’t like doing it. Some people like something enough to do it and make money at it. You have many skills. You do many things better then I do. I have a few things that I do well. I can speak in front of thousands of people. I can play my guitar in front of an audience. I can cook but not anything anyone would recognize. We like my cooking but it doesn’t come out of a cookbook and many times I start with a box or a can. Much of what I have learned about who I am and what I like has come to me later in life. If you look less and continue living it will come to you. By the way every good parent feels the way you do. Peace, howie

    • December 2, 2010 at 6:14 am

      Thank you Howie! It’s good to know I’m normal. I still haven’t figured anything out. Much depends on my health problems at this point in my life. But I’m tryin’. ♥hugs♥

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