Life Observations / Random Thoughts of the Day

Yesterday, I was reading another blog, and found this list of hysterical life-isms. She said she’d gotten it from an email sent to her, and it was probably making the rounds. Then today, one of my best friends sent me a list that was almost the exact duplicate. I decided to combine the two, and re-post them here. Enjoy! 🙂

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

13. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

14. Was learning cursive really necessary?

15. LOL has gone from meaning, “laughing out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

22. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

25. Bad decisions make good stories.

26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

27. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem…

28. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

29. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

30. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

32. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

37. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

38. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

39. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

40. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

41. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

42. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

43. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

45. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

46. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

47. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

48. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

49. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

50. Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G  as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

51. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

52.  While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart

53. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

54. Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

Aren’t you glad you know an Atheist?

So, you’re a believer, and you’re convinced that someday soon, there will be a “Rapture”, and you’ll be whisked away to heaven. Well, have you thought about what that might mean for your pets? Surely, they won’t be whisked away with you. They’ll be “LEFT BEHIND” (just like the movie says!).

What’s a believer to do?!? Who will care for your pets in your absence? Worry no more! Us Atheists have got you covered! Since we’ll still be stuck here on Earth, we’ll gladly take care of your pets when you’re gone.

Seriously.

I’m really not kidding.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA
“The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World”

“We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 24 states and growing. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.”

So, what are you waiting for? You never know what might happen tomorrow! Head on over to this website now, and sign up to have your pets taken care of, before it’s too late!

*I am personally available in the PA, DE, MD area. Cats, rats or other small animals only, please.

Praying KILLED an 11 year old girl!

Found on Yahoo! News:

By ROBERT IMRIE
Associated Press Writer Robert Imrie

WAUSAU, Wis. – A central Wisconsin man accused of killing his 11-year-old daughter by praying instead of seeking medical care was found guilty Saturday of second-degree reckless homicide.

Dale Neumann, 47, was convicted in the March 23, 2008, death of his daughter, Madeline, from undiagnosed diabetes. Prosecutors contended he should have rushed the girl to a hospital because she couldn’t walk, talk, eat or drink. Instead, Madeline died on the floor of the family’s rural Weston home as people surrounded her and prayed. Someone called 911 when she stopped breathing.

Sitting straight in his chair, Neumann stared at the jury as the verdict in a nearly empty courtroom was read. He declined comment as he left the courthouse.

Defense attorney Jay Kronenwetter said the verdict would be appealed. He declined further comment.

Prosecutors also declined comment, citing a gag order.

Leilani Neumann, 41, was convicted on the same charge in the spring. Marathon County Circuit Judge Vincent Howard set Oct. 6 for sentencing for both parents, who face up to 25 years in prison.

Their case is believed to be the first in Wisconsin involving faith healing in which someone died and another person was charged with a homicide.

Last month, an Oregon jury convicted a man of misdemeanor criminal mistreatment for relying on prayer instead of seeking medical care for his 15-month-old daughter who died of pneumonia and a blood infection in March 2008. Both of the girl’s parents were acquitted of a more serious manslaughter charge.

Neumann’s jury — six men and six women — deliberated about 15 hours over two days before convicting him. At one point, jurors asked the judge whether Neumann’s belief in faith healing made him “not liable” for not taking his daughter to the hospital even if he knew she wasn’t feeling well.

Neumann, who once studied to be a Pentecostal minister, testified Thursday that he believed God would heal his daughter and he never expected her to die. God promises in the Bible to heal, he said.

“If I go to the doctor, I am putting the doctor before God,” Neumann testified. “I am not believing what he said he would do.”

The father testified that he thought Madeline had the flu or a fever, and several relatives and family friends said they also did not realize how sick she was.

Assistant District Attorney LaMont Jacobson told jurors in closing arguments Friday that Neumann was “overwhelmed by pride” in his interpretation of the Bible and selfishly let Madeline die as a test of faith.

Neumann knew he should have taken his daughter to a doctor and minimized her illness when speaking with investigators, Jacobson said, calling Neumann no different than a drunken driver who remarks he only had a couple of beers.

Doctors testified that Madeline would have had a good chance of survival if she had received medical care, including insulin and fluids, before she stopped breathing.

Kronenwetter told the jury that Neumann sincerely believed praying would heal his daughter and he did nothing criminally wrong.

“Dale Neumann was doing what he thought would work for his daughter,” Kronenwetter said. “He was administering faith healing. He thought it was working.”

(This version CORRECTS Corrects year from 2003 to 2008 in 2nd graf)

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My thoughts:

I can’t believe anyone still thinks that praying will solve any of their problems! I could pray to the ball of lint under my bed, and get exactly the same results as if I’d prayed to some higher power. When are people going to stop, and THINK FOR THEMSELVES instead of believing the shit that’s been crammed down their throats since they were babies?

We live in a world where people are far more intelligent than they were back in 1 A.D., and yet people still feel compelled to believe in some magical mystical spirit in the sky. And why do they still believe? Well, because the bible tells them to believe, of course! The bible also tells us about unicorns … but you don’t see reasonable people believing in unicorns, do you?

Then to make matters worse, people believe because their parents believed, and their parents before them … and so on, and so on. It’s so deeply ingrained in humans, that most of them don’t know how to think for themselves about what is so plainly obvious. Let me ask: if your parents believed in unicorns, and taught you all about how unicorns are real and walking the earth, but they have to remain invisible or people will stop believing in them … would you still believe it once you were old enough to understand and gather your own evidence? Of course not!

So why do people still hold on to this myth – this urban legend – when everything outside of church and the bible should compel them to give up the fantasy? To those of us who have the balls to use our brains in a rational manner, it’s maddening! Imagine, if in every other area of our lives, if we still believed in the bizarre ideals of the first century? We’d still be drinking silver to cure ailments, doing dances to bring on a rain storm, mummifying our dead and believing that it’s perfectly ok for a man to beat a woman because she’s his property. People need to wake up and smell the bullshit that is the bible and religion!