I came upon this blog post tonight, and it had me in tears. It was a glimpse into my own life, my daily struggles. One of the reasons I find myself so depressed most days. One of the reasons I struggle with my weight.
We just spent nearly $200 on groceries. It has to last us the whole month. For 3 people (including a growing teenage boy who could potentially eat us out of house and home!). I know all too well what this feels like. I don’t wish this on anyone. The constant worry about whether we’ll have enough to eat all month is a nightmare. It attacks the mind and body with equal viciousness.
Being looked down on, and being given “advice” only serve to make things worse. The only people I will take advice from about this particular subject, are people who are currently, or have been very recently, in our situation. Those who have never been, or haven’t been in a long time, just don’t understand (or remember) what it’s like.
Those who say things like: “Give up your internet or cable, you’ll be able to afford more food!” – truly don’t understand. Giving up either separately, would net us either $20 or $50 extra. Not a whole lot extra. Giving up both would, obviously, give us roughly $70 extra, which is a more “substantial” amount, granted. But what they never take into consideration is that without those things, my mind would collapse. When my mind collapses, I eat or sleep. I stress out. I have no outlet. Scary thoughts creep into my head.
Bill and Matthew are able to get out of the house, interact with other people, see different scenery, experience different things. But me? None of the above. Which is why I can’t give up both of my only sources of sanity (and the positives don’t outweigh the negatives, making it pointless to give up just one for the paltry amount of money we’d gain).
The biggest insult of all, I’ve discovered, are those who flaunt their ability to buy whatever expensive foods they desire. Part of it is jealousy, I’m mature enough to admit that. Of course I’m jealous! I want to eat steak and lobster, fresh fruits and vegetables, and go out to eat a couple of times a week! The other part is anger. Anger that our food industry does nothing to help, and worse yet, they make it seem that if you’re not following the status quo, you’re somehow a substandard human being. And I know that my friends and family who perpetually flaunt their abilities aren’t doing it consciously. They’re just excited that they can buy their fresh, organic, gluten free, corn syrup free, healthy foods. They know not what they’re doing (to the rest of us).
I guess this has been boiling up inside of me for some time. Funny what it takes to get me blogging again after, what, 2 weeks? I’m still in a mental funk. I’ve had ideas for posts rattling around in my head, but it seems whenever I sit down to get it out, I discover that I’m too depressed to actually type it out. How sad, really, that I’ve had a list of things to do when I give a damn again. The fact that this particular post has been at the top of my list for a while, hopefully means that I’m ready to emerge from the funk and hibernation and depression. Don’t hold your breath, but think positive thoughts for me, please.