That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!
It was a dark and stormy night.
No, wait … wrong story.
Let me try this again.
The Day I Was Fortunate Enough to Meet 2 MySpace Celebrities
It was a hot and steamy Saturday morning. The temperature was at least 126° by 10am (judging by the thermometer that read “WTF were you thinking?!”). I was sitting in the blazing sun, waiting for an unsuspecting
victim customer to arrive at our yard sale. We hadn’t had many, due to the unnaturally high temperatures.
I was starting to
hallucinate see mirages get bored, when my cell phone began to ring. It was my partner in crime, the illustrious Mrs. Crowley. She had just completed a top secret mission to end the reign of terror inflicted on the world by an evil villain. She, her accomplice and her loyal minions wanted to meet for a 5 course dinner at a prestigious locale quick bite to eat at an overpriced roadside diner.
My mission, if I chose to accept it, was to locate the
infamous notorious Eric Brooks and bring him to her. I immediately began planning my covert operation. I was planning a kidnapping! I would arrive unannounced at his home and pretend to be the Avon lady. When he stepped outside, I would gag and blindfold him, then stuff him into the back seat. The entire ordeal should take no more than 2 minutes.
But alas, my plans were thwarted! Mr. Brooks was nowhere to be found, and I arrived at the meeting empty-handed.
After a round of hugs and handshakes, I swooped down to pick up the most celebrated MySpace baby of all time –
Bella Nicolas! What a sweet and beautiful baby boy! How utterly charming and cuddly! I carry him back to my chair, sit down, and hold him to my chest while snuggling and nuzzling him.
Two seconds later, I was wearing the contents of his stomach! From boob to thigh, I was covered in baby puke. I think he was upset with me because I told him he came out with the wrong parts. Either that, or someone shook him up before I got there (like you’d do with a can of soda or beer before handing it to someone as a practical joke). Actually, I’m leaning toward the latter. Probably my punishment for showing up sans EB.
20 minute shower while I remember why it is that I only had one child quick wash up in the ladies room, I return to the table where hilarity ensues for the next hour. Afterward, we send our servants husbands out to the cars to fetch our cameras (No, we did not forget to bring them in, we left them in the cars on purpose! I swear! What, you don’t believe me? Fine, then I don’t wanna tell any more of the story! Oh, you believe me now?), and we begin a lightening round of picture taking.
Nicolas was busy enjoying his bottle …
… until that wicked mommy tried to take it away.
Nelson, who had just changed his clothes (apparently, his shirt was starving for some chocolate ice-cream), mugged for the camera with Bill.
After much complaining by me about how she was the Amazon Woman while I was relegated to the role of Mini Me, we decided to switch heights.
It couldn’t last forever, though …
Meanwhile, the Dastardly Duo were getting a bit cozy with each other.
A few minutes later, we decide it’s time to pack up and head out. Jen frantically searches for the dinner check (it’s in her own hand!), we pay and prepare to say our goodbyes.
But wait! What’s this? Because I failed my mission to kidnap the one and only Eric Brooks, Jen decides that we must make a second attempt. If he thwarts our plans a second time, Nelly has threatened to cover Eric’s windows with butt-cheek imprints. It’s obviously very tempting to hope that Eric is not found at home, for this reason alone! But we press on anyway.
Jen sends out a message to our allies. Eric Brooks is missing in person, and we need help finding him! Alert the authorities! Witnesses come forward, each stating that he’d been seen only moments before, trolling commenting on people’s blogs and comments. We now know he has access to a computer, from wherever he is hiding. The troops are deployed with state of the art intelligence. Subliminal messages are sent through the Interwebs, causing Eric to have an overwhelming urge to step outside for a moment.
Poor guy never knew what hit him! No sooner than he exits the house, the cavalry charges in! The troops leap out of their vehicles and confront him. The battle cries could be heard for miles dozens of feet.
“WTF dude! Where have you been?!”
“You are in a big steaming pile of deep shit, mister!”
After bowing down to kiss our feet and beg for forgiveness, we decided to have mercy on him.
Finally, we’ve met the elusive and famous Jesus! Oops, I meant to say Eric Brooks! (But c’mon, you’d make the same mistake! He was glowing for crying out loud!)
Look, I have proof!
We managed to spend about 30 minutes together, laughing and talking. At one point, though, things got a little scary when Eric informed us he was going to steal little Nelson and feed him to his pot-bellied pig. But he was easily stopped, as Nelson’s 2 bodyguards came to his rescue.
We were then treated to an introduction to the Brooks’ menagerie. A pot-bellied pig, 6 dogs, a dozen cats, 4 birds, 3 bald gerbils (I never did find out why they were bald), a bat named Bruce, a pair of horses and 10 chickens. Now I understand why he got so upset about his credit card being posted all over the place … that’s a whole lot of mouths to feed!
Sadly, our visit had to come to an end. The Crowleys had to go home, Eric had to tend to the chickens, and we had to say our goodbyes.
I look forward to the next time I get to hang out with this crazy wonderful bunch of nuts people! Especially if we get more than a half hour to do so! 😀