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Waxing 101

Oh how I wish I could track down the original author of this piece!

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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now …. the wax. Read on ………

My night began as any other normal weeknight.  Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.  I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:   “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.”

So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom.  It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax,  you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss.  How hard can it be?  I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.  (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out.  Its two strips facing each other stuck together.   Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.  (‘Cold wax,’ yeah … right! )   I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull.  It works!

OK,  so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad.  I can do this!  Hair removal no longer eludes me!  I am She-rah,  fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.  I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure,  I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,  covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek  (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself …. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!!  Blinded from pain!!!! ….  OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !

Vision returning,  I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!  Another deep breath and RIPP!  Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out … must stay conscious … must stay conscious.  Do I hear crashing drums???   Breathe, breathe …
OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.  I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.  Where is the hair???   WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down,  foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair …  The hair that should be on the strip … it’s not!   I touch …

I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,  which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.  Then I make the next BIG mistake … remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?  I know I need to do something.  So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut!   SEALED SHUT!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself,  ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop.  My head may pop off!’.   What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!!  Hot water melts wax!!  I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub,  get in,  immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,  right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,  is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ….in scalding hot water.  Which, by the way,  doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It’s a very good conversation starter – ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.  She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,  ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now … I can hear her.  I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.  While we go through various solutions.  I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,  glued shut,  stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!  By now the brain is not working,  dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace …. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!  The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.  ‘IT WORKS!!’

‘It works!!’  I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair … THE HAIR IS STILL HERE ……. ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I’m numb by now.  Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color ……

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  1. Jen
    July 13, 2010 at 4:12 am

    I’m pretty sure my friend Rose wasn’t lying to me when she said it was a friend of hers or it was her? I first saw it from her and then asked her if I could repost it, I’ll have to ask her. This is one of those laughing til you cry type stories. It seriously makes my sides hurt when I read it. 🙂

    • July 13, 2010 at 6:27 am

      I saw it on MS tonight, posted by a friend of mine. So I went on a search online and found dozens of copies of the same story, some dating back as far as 2005. Some had slight differences. But none of them talked about who the real author was. Some even said it was one of those hoax stories that gets passed around in email. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s hysterically funny! And I can so picture myself in that situation! 😀

      • Jen
        July 13, 2010 at 2:07 pm

        I will ask her, it is DEFINITELY something I would do. That’s the reason I have never attempted to wax myself. lol

  2. Shamila
    July 14, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Hi.

    I have been plagued by facial hair for so long and have tried creams, electrolysis which left a black marks on my skin, waxing etc until I found this amazing little tool called Epicare. It is just a lil spring with handles on either side. I love, love, love it. It is so affordable compared to laser where there is still no guarantee that facial hair will be totally gone. For gals who are used to threading this is the perfect D.I.Y. tool. Got mine at http://www.epicarehome.com. I have been using mine for 8 months now.

    Sham.

    • July 15, 2010 at 1:27 pm

      Thank you for the information.

    • Jen
      July 15, 2010 at 2:46 pm

      Ooo, I’m going to look in on that, I have a problem with a hairy upper lip myself 😉

      • July 16, 2010 at 11:25 pm

        I’m pretty sure that comment was spam (it did show up as spam), but it seems like an interesting product. If you try it, let me know!

        • Jen
          July 17, 2010 at 12:01 am

          You get spam comments here? I did look at it, but I’m not willing to spend that much money on something that it doesn’t even describe how it really works

  3. July 20, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Jen, yes, you can get spam here on WP. But the spam filters are usually pretty good.

    If you do a search on YouTube for this product, you can see how it works. I just can’t justify spending any money on anything unnecessary these days.

    • Jen
      July 20, 2010 at 4:54 pm

      Oh, well I haven’t gotten any, but mine is new…she came back and replied again!! I don’t think spam would do that, would it?

      • July 21, 2010 at 5:44 am

        LOL Jen, no spam usually doesn’t come back and comment. LMAO

        • Jen
          July 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

          See? I know nothing about spam at all…I have to approve everyone’s comments the first time they comment, maybe that was it?

  4. Shamila
    July 20, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Hi Shelli & Jen,

    This is not spam and you can google Epicare and get the reviews about this product. I am so happy with this product and i thought I would just spead the word to others who may need it as facial hair is a sensitive topic for us gals. It is worth every cent paid as each one lasts for at least 6 – 8 months. Threading regularly costs so much more.

    Sham

    • July 21, 2010 at 5:44 am

      Hi Shamila! I wasn’t sure if it was spam or not, as it showed up in my spam filter. I actually had to approve your comment. Glad I did, though! 🙂 If I ever get extra money, I might try it. Does it work on the area below your chin but above your neck? (for me, that would be my 9 extra chins 😀 )

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